The 7 Most Metal Bible Stories

I've asserted that the Bible is the most metal book ever written. Whether you agree or not, it's plain that it does have some really brutal stuff in it. I have gathered here seven of the most metal Bible passages. There's no preaching here (if you want that, you can stay after class). Even if you know all these stories, I might be able to add some new context.

7. Destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah

The cities of Sodom and Gomorrah were full of sinners, so God decided to destroy them. After warning Abraham's nephew Lot to escape, he rained down burning sulfur. This would have smelled awful, but looked awesome: Burning sulfur turns to a blood red liquid, and the flames are blue. The gas released would have suffocated anyone who escaped the blaze.

6. The Plagues



This video is a great idea, but pretty poorly executed. I hardly need to say anything about the tenth plague, because you know the words of the song by heart. And my 8th grade music teacher at my parochial school indicated the lyrics are Biblically accurate. It's pretty badass that blood was what marked the Israelites to be saved. What might be less obvious is how metal some of the other plagues were. The Nile turned to blood, a plague of skin boils afflicted the Egyptians (Death's "Leprosy" comes to mind), and the sun was blotted out for three days.


5. The Apocalypse

The book of Revelation is full of dragons, beasts, the Whore of Babylon, the Four Horsemen, and seven bowls of wrath, among dozens of other great metal song subjects. A star falls from heaven and embitters a third of the world's water. And there's this:

12 And I beheld when he had opened the sixth seal, and, lo, there was a great earthquake; and the sun became black as sackcloth of hair, and the moon became as blood;

13 And the stars of heaven fell unto the earth, even as a fig tree casteth her untimely figs, when she is shaken of a mighty wind.

14 And the heaven departed as a scroll when it is rolled together; and every mountain and island were moved out of their places.

4. The Deluge

The Deluge is another name for the Bible's great Flood. You see a lot of products meant for babies and small children that feature images of Noah's Ark. Oh, it's so cute that almost all life on the planet was annihilated. Orphaned Land based an album on the story, and the sign of God's mercy lent its name to Richie Blackmore's Rainbow.

3. The Assassination of Eglon

Eglon was a fat Moabite king who oppressed the Israelites for 18 years. A left-handed Israelite named Ehud presented a gift to him, and here's where it turns into a goregrind song. Ehud stabbed Eglon in the belly, and got it in there real deep. When he tried to pull the dagger out, it was stuck, and Eglon's shit and entrails poured everywhere. His servants heard what was going on and thought he was just shitting, so they left him alone, giving Ehud time to escape.

2. The Exploits and Demise of Samson

Samson is known mostly for two things: incredible strength and long hair. His mother was instructed that his hair never be cut. Among his many exploits:

- He tore a lion apart with his bare hands.
- He destroyed his enemies' crops by tying foxes together and lighting them on fire (WTF?).
- He killed a thousand men with an ass's jawbone (then wrote a poem about it).
- To leave a city, he tore the city gates off.
- For his final act, he tore down a crowded temple, killing over three thousand.

But even with all that, his most metal characteristic is this: Like Metallica, he lost his power when his hair was cut off.

1. The Battle of Jericho

Surely everyone is familiar with this story, but it strikes me as extremely metal that a whole lot of shouting and blowing horns--basically the ancient equivalent of metal music--was enough to destroy the walls of a city.