History�s Greatest Inventions, 15-11

#15: The Internet

Where else can you get the latest movies, cable TV shows, and music without paying for them? (Well, that is, besides Wal-Mart. And there you’re risking a run-in with the security guards.) And that’s not to mention the free news and e-mail, and the revival of the town square that is blogging. But the best part about the Internet is the pop-up ads! I’m still waiting on my free iPod, and my $10,000, and my new car, and all the other things, but I sign up for all of those free pop-up deals every chance I get. Now, if only I could check my e-mail . . . I have no idea how all those spammers got my e-mail address.
And for the more lecherous among you, there’s lots and lots of free porn to be had! No more will you have to deal with the shame of walking into the store with the boarded-up windows and/or brightly colored signs and walking out with an opaque bag while looking around your shoulder to ensure that you haven’t been seen by anyone you know. You can indulge your perversions from the comfort of your own home! Just make sure nobody else sees your cache. It’s not so much that there’s porn there. The problem is the kind of porn that you’ve been looking at. Sicko.

#14: Chainsaws

Chainsaws are probably what won the West. I don’t know. What the hell do I know about the history of the Old West that wasn’t related to me in Tombstone? Anyway, chainsaws are really cool, and they make a really cool noise. You can really freak someone out if you take the chain off of it, rev it up, and then assault them with it. But please, do it outside, because they may soil themselves (and prepare yourself with legal counsel). Of course, chainsaws have many more practical applications. For instance, they can be used for cutting branches from trees, or cutting down the trees themselves, in the instance of a smaller tree, or for mowing down cheerleaders at a slumber party. Heck, while they’re not quite as good as a berserker pack, they can even be used to kill some pesky imps and demons when you run out of chain gun and shotgun ammo and you need to save your rockets for the cacodemons and revenants.

#13: The T-1000

Although technically it hasn’t been invented yet, one of them was sent back in time to the early 90’s to eliminate John Connor. It failed, but we can all plainly see the potential there.

How many other robots can take a punishment the way the T-1000 can? Not many, and out of them, only the T-1000 can fit in a Volkswagen, let alone pilot a helicopter or mimic your shape before poking a finger through your skull.

#12: The 1966 Pontiac GTO

You think the wheel is a good invention? This is the ultimate use of the wheel. This is the first true gas-guzzling giant beauty of a muscle car. And its curves make it sexier than 80% of the women you’ll ever see. My uncle had one of these once, but alas, they were working on it when the machine shed caught fire. There was scant left to salvage. This was a tragedy akin to the Hindenburg, or maybe even the canceling of Hellsing after the first season. When movie-makers wreck one of these, it’s a crime against God.

#11: Indoor Plumbing

It just struck me that the word “indoor” is kind of unnecessary. Is there such a thing as “outdoor” plumbing? I mean, yes, there is outdoor plumbing, but not in the sense of outdoor toilets that flush. I don’t think that a hole in the ground really qualifies, in any normal sense of the word, as “plumbing.” Anyway, as a member of the second generation of my family who grew up with indoor plumbing (not counting some of my dad’s older siblings), I salute whoever came up with it. If we didn’t have it, I would be in mortal fear of having to number two at two in the morning in the middle of a blizzard. That would expose me to frostbite in ways that take all the fun out of frostbite.