Myth vs. Fact: Nebraska

Many people are ill-informed about Nebraska. And since it’s my home state, I feel that the duty falls squarely upon my shoulders to dispel the myths about The Good Life.

Myth 1: Nebraska is flat, like your girlfriend in junior high

While it is true that many areas of Nebraska are flat (notably any part of it near Kansas, which is as flat as Kate Moss) it is largely composed of rolling hills, so it could more accurately be described as lumpy, like your great aunt Matilda. Also, as anyone who has seen our new state quarter knows, or indeed anyone who has played The Oregon Trail also knows, Chimney Rock is located in Nebraska. So it’s actually more like that transvestite with whom you had an ill-advised intoxicated fling.

Myth 2: Nebraska is full of a bunch of rednecks

This myth is actually true. I went to high school with many of those people, and in fact got called out by one of them to fight on a gravel road before I found out that his dad was the boxing coach. But there are many other people in Nebraska as well. Lincoln, for instance, has the highest per-capita gay population of any city in the nation, and the University of Nebraska at Omaha has the highest per-capita gay population of any college in the nation. In the 1970’s, Pierce County (of which I’m a native) had the highest per-capita alcohol intake of any county in the nation, so there’s also a lot of alcoholics in Nebraska. So . . . rednecks, homos, and alcoholics . . . and then there’s a couple other people, too. My criminal law professor from last year is an old hippy. I’m sure I’ve met other people from Nebraska too. And hey, even if we are a bunch of rednecks, at least we’re not Wyoming.

Myth 3: Nebraska = corn and cows, not much else

This myth is absolutely not true. We also grow soybeans. And . . . there’s a Kawasaki plant here in Lincoln; ATV’s are pretty cool. We also have at least one very fine brewery (Empyrean Ales), if not others, and several wineries, and some of the best trout fishing in North America, if you know where to go. But seriously, even if it is true, who cares? City people have to eat something. Plus, I get better steak than you people do, and I get it cheaper. So it would seem that you’re the loser.

Myth 4: Nebraska is mostly just like old Western movies

No, we don’t have to fight off Chief Pooping Bison, people don’t ride horses and wear revolvers on their belts, and we do, in fact, have indoor plumbing. We also have Internet access, in case you were wondering. But if we want, we don’t have to go too far to find a place to shoot blue rock (or clay pigeons, if you prefer) or ride horses if we want too. And we’re not stupid enough to pay other people to let us do the ranching work for them.

Myth 5: Nebraskans don’t talk smart

There’s some truth to this. I was trying to think of some strange speech patterns among people I know. Whether they’re a dialect thing or individual quirkiness, I don’t know, but here are a few:
- the word “bagel” pronounced as “beg-əl”
- the word “creek” pronounced as “crick”
- words with a double-o like “root” rhyme with “put”
- we borrow things to people, we don’t loan them to people
- and a few of us “warsh” our clothes and cars rather than washing them

Fact: Kool-Aid was invented in Nebraska

In Hastings, actually. Nothing cooler than that was invented in your state.

Conclusion

Hey, I like Nebraska. You can stay away if you like, because that’s just more space for me. I know it’s The Good Life like it says on the signs at the borders. You can keep whatever you have and breathe your smog or sit in traffic all day if you want to. You’ll know me because I’ll be the guy that gets to work or school in 15 minutes and breathes natural air while watching the stars at night.