Ninjas or Pirates?

Ninjas or pirates? The debate has been raging for centuries now. On the one hand, ninjas are totally freaking sweet, but on the other hand, pirates are really swashbuckling. To help in this debate, I thought I’d lay out the pros and cons of each side, and see if we can come to any definitive conclusions.

Ninjas

Pros:
1. They wear all black
2. They use shuriken (throwing stars)
3. To escape from enemies, they will use flash powder and smoke, and drop makibishi (like caltrops) behind them
4. They are masters of stealth
5. As a last resort, they will use a sword
6. They mostly work alone (so you keep your profits)
7. They are a highly exclusive group
Cons:
1. They don’t use guns
2. If they’re caught by the authorities, they will be decapitated

Pirates

Pros:
1. They use swords and guns
2. They get a fancy pirate ship
3. They drink lots of rum and generally know how to have a good time
4. You can still do your job if you lose a hand/leg, plus you get a cool hook
5. Anybody can join
6. The group and bad-ass Jolly Roger flag can be very intimidating
Cons:
1. Silly clothes
2. Your captain might kill you (or if you are the captain, your crew can mutiny)
3. You have to split the booty (Aaarrr)
4. You might have to swab the poop deck
5. Scurvy (unless you put a lime in that rum)
6. If you’re losing the battle, where do you run when you’re on a boat?
7. If they’re caught by the authorities, they will be hanged

Meta-Analysis

Now, to cut out the fat and set pros and cons against each other. Shuriken are at least as good as old-fashioned flintlock guns, so those cancel out. Some of these are just matters of preference: the group benefits are equal to the exclusivity and loner benefits, and the execution methods are relatively equal for each group.

So it would appear that the benefits of being a ninja over a pirate are the clothes, the stealth, and the ability to get out of a bad situation. The benefits of a pirate over a ninja are the ship, the flag, the parties, and the acceptance of disability. The ninjas have no cons that don’t cancel out, while the pirates still have problems arising from being in a group, as well as the scurvy.

I think we can further cancel things out. The flag is about as cool as the pirate clothes, and the stealth is about as cool as the rum. The ninja’s evasive abilities are definitely a trade-off for the pirate’s ship. The pirate’s final advantage is acceptance of disability, but this can be canceled out against the group problems (mutiny and authority). So what we’re left with is the single con of the pirates: SCURVY.

Conclusion

So, basically, ninjas are better than pirates because pirates get scurvy. And I proved it scientifically. So there! Stop your pirate-touting immediately, and get on the ninja train, because there’s no stopping it.