Thursday, June 15, 2006

I Declare War on Babies

There is a plague in our nation today. Every day it devours our natural resources and screams like the demon it is. That plague, my friends, is babies. And not just the squishy ones with the soft, Play-Doh-like heads. I’m talking about anything below the age of six (6).

Babies are a far greater scourge than you may think. And if you don’t believe that, allow me to hit you with some knowledge (to quote Ben Stiller).

Babies consume our natural resources at an alarming rate

According to this site,
A baby can breastfeed as much as he wants, or have 20 to 32 ounces of formula per day.
That’s right. He can breastfeed as much as he wants. And we all know babies want a lot, especially male babies when breasts are involved. But, let’s take the low estimate of 20 ounces of formula each day. That’s 7300 ounces, or about 57.3 gallons, every year. And considering that about 4.1 million babies are born each year in the U.S. alone (according to this article), then next year all the babies born this year will consume about 235 million gallons of formula. Assuming a constant rate of birth, babies will outnumber regular people in about 60 or so years, and then it’s only a matter of time until our oceans are depleted of all fluids (considering that there are only 361,200,000,000,000,000,000 gallons of water in the ocean according to this site). Anyone with a background in calculus, help me figure out the exact date, please.

Babies contribute nothing to society

It’s true. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, there is not one baby with a job. They contribute no goods, and no services.

Not only that, but they don’t even appreciate our democratic system, as not one baby voted in the 2004 election. So, if you have a problem with government today, I say, blame the babies.

Well, you may ask, “What about artistic and literary contributions by babies?” I say to you: “Phooey!” Just look at this art:

You call that art! More like crap! And just read this story by Annie, age 5. An excerpt:
Once there was bob. Bob was hungry! He was chocolate. He ate his self all day! He wanted to go to the bathroom but he couldn't. Then he wanted to go to chuck E. Cheese! And he wanted to go to his mother's. He was so sad he was crying! So he went to the bathroom on his self!
I think this speaks for itself.

Babies are immoral

Babies all over the world are cohabiting with other babies in unmarried relationships.
In fact, this is true of most babies. Almost all of these unmarried, cohabitation arrangements are between siblings, i.e. they are incestuous. About half of them are between same-sex babies, and many of them are groups of more than two babies (i.e. polygamous/polyandrous).

There have also been reports by our agents of baby cults. If we don’t stop the baby moral threat, our society will lose all sense of morals. Please, help me stop the baby threat.

Yes, but what can I do about it?

Join the cause! We are Regular People Against Babies. Write your representatives in Congress! When you see a baby, don’t give it food. DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH BABIES. But the most important thing you can do is to post one of these graphics to show your support for the war on babies, and use it to link back to this post:


  1. Sorry, Kelly, but your "ocean depletion" scenario overlooks one important factor:

    The "Fountains of Plenty" Phenomenon.

    Everywhere else, your thesis is rock solid.

    Let's send them all back where they came from!


  2. I'm not sure what you're talking about. Would that be a reference to the now-discredited theory of the "water cycle"? Ridiculous!

  3. I'm glad someone is finally taking a stand against these cursed babies. What have babies ever done for us?

  4. Babies are a racket. They can sleep all day and then keep you up all night when they first arrive.

    And the more you feed them, the bigger they get until one day they turn into teenagers with an attitude and a mouth to match.

    If you want to rid the earth of these illiterate, uncivilized, slobbering creatures, you have to go after the storks that drop those little pink and blue packages on people's doorsteps.

  5. I'm not going to believe any of this.

    ...until I see a pie chart of some kind.

  6. Greatest.Blog Entry.Ever.

  7. How is it you could have written that much on this subject and never mention vomit?

  8. You are such an ass. You were a baby at one point. And as far as I can tell you haven't grown up at all. Way to contribute to society.

  9. Wow. You are a world class idiot.
    As Erin said before me...

    You were a baby at one point. So was everyone that you love. Everyone that you admire. Everyone that you pattern yourself after.

    As for the "especially male babies when there is a breast involved" comment...

    -You are obviously a mindless, uneducated pervert. In the infantile years, there is no knowledge of sexual attraction. A baby can not yet process that emotion. It is natural. Case in point- my son, OBVIOUSLY male, didn't breastfeed. He was given the opportunity, and he decided that it just wasn't for him. Hmm. Wierd how if your theory stands true, he didn't want the breast.

    Guess that means he will grow up to be gay.
    I'm sure that somewhere, you have a blog dedicated to that subject too, you piece of shit.

  10. Great post, but I might have laughed ever harder at these last couple of idiots who totally didn't get it.