Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Interview with Candidate Baraka

Many of you may already have heard that Senator Barack Obama (Democrat--Illinois) has expressed interest in running for the presidency. Many of you may not know, however, that Senator Baraka (Tarkata--Outworld) has thrown his hat into the ring in response. You may remember the last candidate from Outworld to run for office, Goro, in 2000. The Outwordlers again have someone to promote their interests.

Last evening, Baraka was kind enough to allow me to interview him.

* * * * *

Full Metal Attorney: Thank you for taking the time to speak with me. I know your constituents have been waiting a long time for you to finally make your bid for the highest office in the land.
Baraka: Thank you for allowing me this opportunity to get my message out there. My campaign has been many generations in the making, but now the time is nigh.
FMA: Yes, of course. Now, let's just go ahead and get down to the issues, because many people have speculated about your positions on the issues, and you've never given much indication of how you stand.
B: Of course. Let's get right down to business.
FMA: Alright then. One hot-button issue right now is immigration. I think it's fairly well-settled now that we need more border security. How would you go about that?
B: I would raise an army of my brethren the Tarkata. As most people are aware, we are hybrids of Netherealm demons and the creatures of Outworld. As such, we are all powerful warriors, and most of us, like me, have blades extending from our forearms. This army would patrol the border, and shred to pieces any that cross it. The Rio Grande will flow with the blood of those who defy our immigration policy!
FMA: Yes, well, that seems reasonable. And what about amnesty? Many have expressed the opinion that illegal immigrants already in the country should be allowed to stay in the country. Do you agree?
B: With my hard stance on immigration, you wouldn't think so. But I do agree with that. Well--let me qualify that. My plan, which I think is quite obvious though most politicians have overlooked it in the past, is a fairer balance between respect for the law and the realities of the world, and the hardships that these people face. Anyone who wants to apply for amnesty can do so under my plan. They will then be divided into groups of, say, 24, you know, I'm not married to that number, it could be more, maybe less. Anyway, these groups would be paired off and put into a tournament. They will face each other in Mortal Kombat, fighting to the death, and the one who eventually comes out on top will be granted amnesty.
FMA: Yes, I think that is a reasonable plan. It's hard to believe that no one has promoted such a plan before.
B: Yes it is. (Laughs.) I think that's why we need someone like me in office, someone with fresh ideas.
FMA: The other hot-button issue right now is the war in Iraq. How would you handle it differently?
B: As most people know, my war record is outstanding. The attack on the Shaolin Temple of Light, my work with Shinnok, and the war against the Edenians under the Dragon King Onaga are just the tip of the iceberg. I know war. To make a long story short, my plan will lead to the routing of the rebel forces and the enslavement of all the peoples of Earth. (Laughs maniacally.)
(Awkward silence.)
B: Just kidding.
FMA: (Laughs uncomfortably.) I don't doubt your military prowess. I'm sure you'd handle it effectively and with as little loss of life as possible.
B: (Grinning broadly, teeth gleaming.) Yes, of course.
FMA: Moving on. We don't have a lot of time for much else, but let's do a bit of a lightning round. I'll name the issue, and you say your position as quickly as possible. Death tax.
B: Everyone will be free to die. There wil be no death tax, and death will be doled out generously.
FMA: Social security.
B: There will soon be no need to support the elderly. My plan will obviate the issue.
FMA: Iran.
B: Blood.
FMA: North Korea.
B: Gore.
FMA: Half-demon warriors.
B: Roaming the land unchecked, wreaking havoc and slaughtering the innocent.
FMA: And what do you have to say to your opponents?
B: I will stab them in the torso with both of my blades, and lift them up into the air while they scream and writhe in agony. When they stop twitching, and hang there lifelessly, I will shred them into pieces.
FMA: OK, that's all we have time for. I want to thank you again for taking the time out from the campaign trail to speak with us.
B: Thank you.

* * * * *

That concludes the interview with Senator Baraka. I'll try to make it my mission to keep you up to date on the issues that are important today.


  1. Will he remove my head with one blow if I have any complaints about his campaign or presidency?

    I'm not complaining, mind you, just asking an innocent question.