Monday, April 08, 2013

Fatal Impact: Esoteria (2012)

Keep on Runnin'

A scathing, song-by-song review by joanismylover, the third metal attorney.

Here is my stream of conscience review of Esoteria, song by song, as it happened while listening at work:

[A New Era] Some cool riffing but then devolves into some incongruous singing with a plodding guitar line, “progressing” to some chug-a-chug-a-chug-a riffing. Then some KSE type toned metalcore, but without their heft or emotion. Tolerable.

[Where the Alders Grow] Pick my head up midway through because it’s so bad, I ask myself the question, “Who listens to this kind of drivel?” Honestly, it’s so saccharin – Journey and REO Speedwagon blow this out of the water.

[Silent December] I would prefer an entirely “Silent December” instead of listening to these (what I infer to be) upper middle class music students try to cobble together some sentimental science fiction journey. We are getting into Spinal Tap two word review territory.

[End Time Theater] Really, they named a song that, and do a sloppy off tune keyboard laced serenade to “end time the-a-terrrrrrr”. End this bad theater. Now. Oh, no, wait Coldplay piano breakdown. Now we’re talking. Transition to upbeat 70s style guitar (Relieved to have to pause this music to talk to one of my partners about a case that is up on appeal right now). Unpause. Resume aural torture.

[Blind man’s eye] actually opens well, pauses for keyboard foofiness, then returns to some heavy. Tolerable for about 2 minutes.

[The Arrival]. Uh-oh. No, you didn’t just do that. I thought I heard the demon gargoyle vocals ala Agalloch. I did! (Author laughs to himself).

[A View to Hell] – I have found it here, in my office, listening to this garbage.

[Under the Stars] - Ethical question: does the reviewer have to listen to the entire album in order to submit a meaningful review and fulfill duties to the promoters, musicians, labels, etc.? “This story is never-ending” he’s singing right now. Please no. Please – NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Let it end. Now.

[The Final Solace] I just typed the song name as “The Final Silence”. Wishful thinking.

[Verity of Splendor] Now they are trying to get all “Tool” on us, circa 1993. But they can’t hold it for more than 10 seconds. "Return, saccharin, return!"
(Sung off key and with great sentiment in the author’s mind). Don’t insult Tool like that again.

[Funeral] Finally, the final countdown to the end of this Eurotrash. Let this be a “Eulogy” to Fatal Impact, who have had only a negative impact on me. And then, it's over.

Now I can listen to Clutch.

1/2 star out of five.

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