Thursday, August 08, 2013

The 7 Most Metal Bible Stories

I've asserted that the Bible is the most metal book ever written. Whether you agree or not, it's plain that it does have some really brutal stuff in it. I have gathered here seven of the most metal Bible passages. There's no preaching here (if you want that, you can stay after class). Even if you know all these stories, I might be able to add some new context.

7. Destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah

The cities of Sodom and Gomorrah were full of sinners, so God decided to destroy them. After warning Abraham's nephew Lot to escape, he rained down burning sulfur. This would have smelled awful, but looked awesome: Burning sulfur turns to a blood red liquid, and the flames are blue. The gas released would have suffocated anyone who escaped the blaze.

6. The Plagues

This video is a great idea, but pretty poorly executed. I hardly need to say anything about the tenth plague, because you know the words of the song by heart. And my 8th grade music teacher at my parochial school indicated the lyrics are Biblically accurate. It's pretty badass that blood was what marked the Israelites to be saved. What might be less obvious is how metal some of the other plagues were. The Nile turned to blood, a plague of skin boils afflicted the Egyptians (Death's "Leprosy" comes to mind), and the sun was blotted out for three days.

5. The Apocalypse

The book of Revelation is full of dragons, beasts, the Whore of Babylon, the Four Horsemen, and seven bowls of wrath, among dozens of other great metal song subjects. A star falls from heaven and embitters a third of the world's water. And there's this:
12 And I beheld when he had opened the sixth seal, and, lo, there was a great earthquake; and the sun became black as sackcloth of hair, and the moon became as blood;

13 And the stars of heaven fell unto the earth, even as a fig tree casteth her untimely figs, when she is shaken of a mighty wind.

14 And the heaven departed as a scroll when it is rolled together; and every mountain and island were moved out of their places.
4. The Deluge

The Deluge is another name for the Bible's great Flood. You see a lot of products meant for babies and small children that feature images of Noah's Ark. Oh, it's so cute that almost all life on the planet was annihilated. Orphaned Land based an album on the story, and the sign of God's mercy lent its name to Richie Blackmore's Rainbow.

3. The Assassination of Eglon

Eglon was a fat Moabite king who oppressed the Israelites for 18 years. A left-handed Israelite named Ehud presented a gift to him, and here's where it turns into a goregrind song. Ehud stabbed Eglon in the belly, and got it in there real deep. When he tried to pull the dagger out, it was stuck, and Eglon's shit and entrails poured everywhere. His servants heard what was going on and thought he was just shitting, so they left him alone, giving Ehud time to escape.

2. The Exploits and Demise of Samson

Samson is known mostly for two things: incredible strength and long hair. His mother was instructed that his hair never be cut. Among his many exploits:

- He tore a lion apart with his bare hands.
- He destroyed his enemies' crops by tying foxes together and lighting them on fire (WTF?).
- He killed a thousand men with an ass's jawbone (then wrote a poem about it).
- To leave a city, he tore the city gates off.
- For his final act, he tore down a crowded temple, killing over three thousand.

But even with all that, his most metal characteristic is this: Like Metallica, he lost his power when his hair was cut off.

1. The Battle of Jericho

Surely everyone is familiar with this story, but it strikes me as extremely metal that a whole lot of shouting and blowing horns--basically the ancient equivalent of metal music--was enough to destroy the walls of a city.


  1. You forgot the story where Ezekiel summons a zombie army. (Ezekiel 37)

  2. I love this list. It's a great idea.

    I kind of assumed that the Crucifixion would make it on here, though. Not only is it full of brutal torture, it's probably referenced more often in metal lyrics and artwork than any other single event.

  3. This post actually dates back to 2011, when I first started working on it. The crucifixion was on the original list (a top 10 with some holes in it). The book of Ezekiel was in the original list as a whole, but it deserves its own article separate from a discussion of anything else. It is the best.

  4. Here's my 7:

    1. Snakepocalypse: Numbers 21:6
    And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died.

    2. Bearmaggedon: 2 Kings 2:23-24
    And he went up from thence unto Bethel: and as he was going up by the way, there came forth little children out of the city, and mocked him, and said unto him, Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head. And he turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the Lord. And there came forth two she bears out of the wood, and tare forty and two children of them.

    3. Cannibal buffet: Jeremiah 19:9
    And I will cause them to eat the flesh of their sons and the flesh of their daughters, and they shall eat every one the flesh of his friend in the siege and straitness, wherewith their enemies, and they that seek their lives, shall straiten them.

    4. Prophetcide: 1 Kings 18:40
    And Elijah said unto them, Take the prophets of Baal; let not one of them escape. And they took them: and Elijah brought them down to the brook Kishon, and slew them there.

    5. Babycide: Psalm 137:9
    Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones.

    6. 60-citycide: Deuteronomy 3:3-6
    So the Lord our God delivered into our hands Og also, the king of Bashan, and all his people: and we smote him until none was left to him remaining. And we took all his cities at that time, there was not a city which we took not from them, threescore cities, all the region of Argob, the kingdom of Og in Bashan. All these cities were fenced with high walls, gates, and bars; beside unwalled towns a great many. And we utterly destroyed them, as we did unto Sihon king of Heshbon, utterly destroying the men, women, and children, of every city.

    7. Eternal-torturcide: Revelation 20:10
    And the devil that deceived them was cast into the lake of fire and brimstone, where the beast and the false prophet are, and shall be tormented day and night for ever and ever.

    1. I was just coming here to make sure Bear Vengeance was represented.

      "Enact my shiny-headed vengeance!"

  5. the ol' chariots of iron is pretty metal on a lot of levels (har dee har har). i don't know why more bands on team satan don't use this story more often.