History’s Greatest Inventions, the Top Five

#5: The Spork

Sporks, as we all know, are the bastard children of other flatware, and, most likely, an abomination in the eyes of God. Remember those old Campbell’s Chunky Soup commercials where they said it’s so thick you could probably eat it with a fork, but you probably shouldn’t because that would be stupid? Well, the spork solves the old spoony-forky chunky soup dilemma, and it applies to all stews and other is-it-liquid-or-is-it-solid type situations. Bill Cosby, I believe, recommends them for eating Jell-O, as both sporks and gelatin are crimes against nature (regardless of tastiness or utility). But don’t worry about sporks. Like mules, ligers, hobbits, and other half-breed mutants, they are sterile, so it’s okay to put them in your mouth. (I’m not going to vouch for gelatin containing fruit.)

#4: The 8-Track Player

Where would we be without the 8-track player? Well, just try to imagine a world wherein we could not listen to 8-track tapes! What, pray tell, would be the use of those tapes if we didn’t have a player for them?
Without the 8-track player, REO Speedwagon would be more like REO Slowwagon! BTO would be more like Bachman-Turner Underdrive! And ELO? More like Electric Light Dorkestra! How many other acronym-named bands would we be without if we didn’t have this marvel of modern technology?

#3: The Katana

What would a samurai be without his very soul? That is how they thought of these graceful weapons, equivalent to the European longsword, saber, and rapier. In truth, however, katana were a last resort for these great noblemen and warriors. They generally used polearms and bows in combat, or, sometimes, a no-dachi, a much longer version of the katana. But when you want to decapitate a kneeling foe, the katana is your go-to weapon, as it would be if you wanted an honor duel.
Many people also think that ninja use katana. But that’s a damn lie. What ninja use is usually more like a machete, a sharpened flat piece of metal bound to a cheap handle which was also a last resort—to be left in the body of a guard. Ninja use poisoned shuriken, people!
You can learn more about samurai swords here. It’s a bit hard to understand because this guy doesn’t speak English very well, but he is very knowledgeable.

#2: The Tesla Coil

Russian scientist Nokola Tesla has always been remembered for his extremely practical inventions. Of these, not the least of which is the Tesla coil. I actually witnessed one of these in action, because some clearly practically-minded students at my high school built one, using it to light fluorescent light bulbs without plugging them in (how many times have you wished you could do that?) and destroy CD’s without touching them. You can learn how to build one here.
Honestly, it does have at least one practical application: it can serve the same military purposes as a land mine field, without the problem of accidentally left-behind ordnance. But we don’t care about all that. We want to see how cool they are.

Yeah, that’s pretty cool.

#1: Coffee

You may be thinking to yourself that coffee is not a human invention. But you’re wrong. Coffee beans are a naturally-occurring plant, yes, but humans did come up with a roasting process that allows for making the beverage which we know as coffee. A great deal of scientific research has been done as of late, all of which points to the positive health effects of drinking coffee, from improving short-term memory to preventing bowel cancer (working all the way from head to ass). And it keeps you warm in winter. But the most amazing thing is the taste.
Now, all the unwashed masses seem to like their sweet, flavored, creamed-up coffee. Walt liked it that way, and he’d usually wait until it was lukewarm to drink it. But you can keep your damn Starbucks, as far as I’m concerned, and you can definitely keep your damn gas station machine-mixed crapuccino. It’s great as an alternative to ice cream, but it’s much better when it actually is coffee-flavored ice cream or chilled “coffee.” And my boss can keep her brewed-to-destruction coffee too (five heaping tablespoons of coffee for a 10-cup pot—that’s right, tablespoons, not teaspoons).
But I like this:

Dark-roasted coffee, medium-brewed, and I drink it black. This brings out the best, truest flavor of coffee.

Of course, sometimes it’s nice to add some Irish Cream.