Cheese-Injection

On Saturday night Laura and I went to Pizza Hut. We had seen the commercials for the new "Cheesy Bites" pizza, and she wanted to try it. But, as I told her, "I see through their cheese-injection schemes." Turns out I was right. It wasn't that great. It was basically their stuffed-crust pizza with less "stuffed" and more "crust." Seriously, who wants to get their appetizers at the same time they get their main course? I once left a Pizza Hut waitress a tip of three cents ($0.03) because she brought out breadsticks less than two minutes before the pizza. (I like to leave nominal tips like that when I'm pissed about service; if you don't leave a tip at all there's a chance they could think you just forgot.) Sure, maybe it wasn't her fault, but I'm pretty sure they share tips with the cooks at places like that.

Well, since cheesy bites are just a poorly-done cover version of stuffed-crust pizza, I started to wonder what Pizza Hut will do next. They're running out of ways to serve cheese. So, in fulfillment of the prophecy, I will prophesy, and history will come to know me as the Nostradamus of cheese-injection. The question: what will Pizza Hut do next?

1. They will put cheese and toppings on the bottom of the pizza as well as the top, for a two-dimensional pizza experience.
2. The novelty having worn off, they will make three-dimensional pizza. This is something that our early-twenty-first-century minds cannot yet comprehend, but it will happen.
3. Having run out of places to put cheese on the pizza, they'll just slop it on you and directly on the table and seats.
4. Noting the popularity of "flavor shots" with many fountain drinks, they will give you a cheese flavor shot in your Pepsi.
5. Three words: rectal cheese injection. "Come on in and get the Good Stuff™. We fill up your colon and lower intestines with cheese." This is the first of their new ideas that will stick around for a long time (as has the stuffed-crust), largely because some of their regular clientele enjoy this kind of thing. Just wait until you feel that squishing around in your undergarments as it leaks out due to sphincter failure, or, as it will come to be known, "Pizza Hut Bowel Syndrome™."
6. At the dawn of the twenty-second century, they will immediately hook you up to a cheese IV when you walk in the door. Most Pizza Huts will clean the cheese needles before using them on someone else. (I just wanted to type "cheese needles.")
7. In an effort to attract more families with children, they will introduce a playland (a la McDonalds) which will include, among other attractions, a cheese pool for the kiddies to swim in.
8. Cheese Idols, Cheese Bishops, and the Cheese Pope. These prescient visions are too frightening to share in any more detail.
9. Finally, as the result of the Cheese Jihad (also known as Cheesageddon) there will be the Cheese Ragnarok (or Cheesapocalypse), the end of the world as we know it, which will be followed by a new heaven and a new earth, all filled with cheese. They will then inject cheese into the core of the new earth, leading to Cheesy Judgment Day.