Why I Hate 80's Retro Metal

Retro metal is a really big fad right now. It may be a response to the perceived lack of quality songwriting in more modern forms of metal, or to modern production, or something else. But whatever the reason, it's really big. It comes in a variety of forms: so called "re-thrash", which mimics old school thrash metal, "old-school death metal", or 70's style heavy metal. I have no problem with any of these, as they all seem to be genuine homages to styles worth revisiting. I'm not particularly thrilled by re-thrash, but old-school death and 70's metal are welcome additions to the fold when done very well.

But I hate the 80's revival.

This issue really came to a head for me on a recent discussion at Invisible Oranges. It made me realize a couple major issues. First, it doesn't mimic the good parts of 80's metal like Iron Maiden, Venom, or Celtic Frost; the 80's revival mostly mimics hair metal, and I see no reason why anyone would want to resurrect that idiot offshoot of metal. It was huge in the 80's. As noted in Metal: A Headbanger's Journey, it was the biggest style of music in the world in 1986. As a metalhead, anything that gains a broad popular following is immediately suspicious, and in the case of hair metal that suspicion was thoroughly warranted. It was music made for the masses, and specifically for the lowest common denominator. Hair metal should be something we should disown, not celebrate. And besides, we already have something that celebrates all the cheesiest aspects of metal. It's called power metal.

Metalheads older than myself might not feel the same way. To many of them, it was the gateway into the world of metal, and it gives them warm fuzzy feelings, or whatever. But to those who fit that bill, I ask: When the nu metal revival comes, how will you feel about it? Now, there were certainly some good things about pure heavy metal as it existed in the 80's, just as surely as there were some good things about nu metal. But the way the revival pictures it highlights many of the negatives.

In other words, it brings back everything that makes metal seem like a joke to the mainstream. As a budding metalhead, I used to cringe whenever I heard some of the solos in my Metallica albums because they reminded me of the joke that was hair metal. It took me until I heard Mercyful Fate before I realized that solos can be a good thing.

The second problem I have with the 80's revival is its insincerity. Even Terrorizer, which openly endorses and celebrates Enforcer, questions their authenticity. I see no question whatsoever. They not only sound like hair metal, but they have also adopted the look. I could let them slide if that's all they were mimicking. But on top of that, they release some of their music on cassette, and mimic the cheesy poses of the era for photo shoots. I can get down with parody as long as it's done with an actual sense of humor. Metalheads are probably the biggest fans of Spinal Tap, and I can't get enough Metalocalypse. But parody without a sense of humor is called irony. And ironic love for something is the very definition of hipster.

So, far from being a return to the true roots of metal, I see the 80's revival as a hipster movement. I don't see how it can be anything else.

Of course, there are exceptions to every rule. I grudgingly admit that I enjoyed Holy Grail's Crisis in Utopia. Pressed for a reason why that's any different from the rest, I can't give you a good one. Maybe I had just enough of a taste for this phenomenon that I had room in my heart for just one band or album. I don't really know. Which got me to wondering what other exceptions people might make.

So, I want to know what you think about retro metal in general, and about the 80's revival in particular. I also want to hear whether there's an exception that you make--a band or album that you love, but you usually hate that kind of music.