Thursday, October 20, 2005

A Little Low-Brow Humor: Men’s Restroom Etiquette Quiz

If you came here for something intelligent to read, I promise to post something like that again next week (possibly on intelligent design). You can also check out my index (link also in the sidebar). Today it’s restroom talk. It’s something for all the men out there to read. Women will probably find it amusing too. I make light of it, but all the rules I lay out are the unwritten rules (until now—although some posit that the first two tablets brought down by Moses included these, those people are crazy), and some of you apparently don’t know all of them.

In response to the maddening restroom etiquette of some of the people here at the law college, I am going to go through several potential situations, and discuss the proper etiquette. The hypothetical restroom is exactly like several such rooms in the law school: there are two semi-private toilets, two sinks, and three urinals as shown:

In every situation, you have to pee (really bad). Where do you go?
1. No one is in the restroom.
2. Someone is using urinal C.
3. Someone is using urinal A.
4. Someone is using urinals A and C.
5. Someone is using urinal B.
6. Someone is using urinals A and C, and both toilets.
Write down your answers (or don’t, I don’t care).

The Answers


1. Did you answer A? If you did, you were right. Urinal C would be acceptable, but due to its lower height it has lower status, and whether or not you’re the alpha wolf, you pee on the biggest tree in the forest when no one’s around. If you answered B, then you were dead wrong. Give everyone else a little room to breathe. Some of you may be appalled that someone would actually use B, but believe me that some people do. It’s maddening, isn’t it?
2. This should be easy after doing the first situation. The correct answer is A. Not only does this give you breathing room, but you retain all of your dignity. If you answered C, however, something is seriously wrong with you. I don’t care how short the other guy is and how tall you are, it’s never polite to read over someone’s shoulder, and it’s even worse to pee over their shoulder. (No, I’ve never seen this, but I wonder about some people.)
3. If you answered C, then congratulations! It gives you a little breathing room, and it’s only a step down on the totem pole. Unless you think the place you pee is going to have some effect on your mating prospects, then it’s no big deal. If you answered B, then you need to bitch-slap yourself. There’s a lot more dignity in peeing in a low urinal than there is in getting next to another man’s unsheathed member.
4. This is where it gets tricky. If you said you would go to one of the toilets, then you’re well on your way to being a polite restroom-user. If you forgot the toilets were there, don’t sweat it. Just keep in mind that at home you pee in a toilet all the time. If you didn’t forget, but picked B anyway, then you made the wrong choice, friend. I’m here to help you, but there’s only so much I can do. And remember to lift the freaking seat before you pee, you filthy animal.
5. OK, you’re right, this guy is being impolite. By now you know you’re supposed to use a toilet, but when you do, don’t slam the door because you’re mad at the other guy. Just let it slide, and maybe gently inform him of his error (this is something I never have the guts to do). At the end maybe we’ll talk about other possible solutions to this problem.
6. Yes, we are in a real pickle now. Many of you, thinking you had no other options, probably picked B. That was wrong. You should never, under any circumstances, use urinal B. (Unless you’re going to pee in your pants. In that case, think ahead a little bit next time. You’re not five years old anymore. Actually that’s another good reason to leave urinal B open, just in case someone’s going to piss himself.) The correct answer is that you should wait for the next open urinal, or, in the alternative, leave the restroom and come back later or look for another restroom. If you said you’d pee in one of the sinks, then you really need help.

Conclusion

Urinal B is simply ornamental, a buffer zone between you and the next guy. In fact, if I had my way they wouldn’t even be equipped with plumbing. OK, maybe that’s asking for trouble. So let’s just put a plant there instead. No . . . some people will still pee in there. Trash cans have the same problem. Maybe we’ll just put up a sign there that says “This space designated as a buffer zone.”

So the question is: what do we do about people that don’t follow the rules? I’m tempted to post up an “out of order” sign over urinal B. If people take it down, then carry one with you and post it up every time you go. Or you could just subtly talk to people, saying “Hey, don’t you hate it when someone uses the middle urinal?” Or you could direct them to the URL of this post. E-mail it to every man in your address book. (Oh, the shameless propaganda!)

So, to test your knowledge, let’s try two more. In the first of these, assume any of the above situations, but there are dividers between the urinals. Think about your answer.
Ready? The dividers make no difference! You’re still too uncomfortably close to the next guy if you use B.
In the second new hypothetical, assume there are nine urinals, lettered A through J. Someone is using urinal A. What do you do?
Ready? You should have answered J. You may feel safe taking C, or E, or G, but you should always put as much of a buffer between you and the next guy. Using H or F or D is reducing the number of usable urinals, and that’s a big no-no. If you were wondering why there is no urinal I, well, that’s just a silly question. Everyone knows there’s no urinal I.

Am I just crazy? Am I just being insecure? Let me know what you think.

One last thing: wash your hands when you’re done!

15 comments:

  1. lol funny! :) and i'll have you know i got every question right... *wink wink*
    i totally think like a dude! hee hee BUT im glad that us females don't have to think about such things, hell we'll go together!

    can i add one thing though... WHILE TAKIN A DOODIE... please use your manners and do a courtesy flush for all by standers or sitters! ha ha thanks :)
    A~

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  2. Here's one that should also be thought through carefully. Given urinals A through G: A and G are taken, there are no available stalls, and you really have to pee now. Where do you go?

    If you picked D, you need to be slapped for overzealous application of the maximum distance rule. You have just created a problem for the next 2 guys.

    Here is a visual:
    A B C D E F G
    X 0 0 Y 0 0 X

    (The "Y" stands for "You" - Not chromosomes!)

    Note: Some experts have suggested that if there are available stalls, then takeing the "D" position may be accpeptable, or even preferable.

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  3. Good point Copernicus! I can't believe I missed that one. It's an example of a situation in which two laws conflict, and you must choose which one takes priority. I think the choice between C and E in that situation is up to you, but there may also be rules involving which one is closer to the door (I'm not clear on this--someone should write their doctoral thesis on the subject).

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  4. You know, I think dividers allow option B. I think in that case there is enough for one to be able to use it. But only if the toilets are taken, of course.

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  5. One issue I don't think you've touched on is the "timing" aspect of urinal choice.

    For instance:

    A B C D E
    X 0 X 0 X

    One must examine the pissers in order to surmize what stage of urination those pissers are in.

    There are Six Stages to the average urinal experience:
    1) Unzip
    2) Adjustment
    3) Rexalation and release
    4) Jiggle
    5) Readjustment and repackaging
    6) Rezip

    Obviously, step three takes the most amount of time.

    In the previous situation one must decide (at a glance) which stage P's A C E are in, in order to avoid harming the person who might come in behind you in desperate need of a stall. If A and C are in stages 5 or 6 than it would possibly be appropriate to walk up to stall B. Reason being that E will finish before another person comes in. The new person may take either stall D or E, but E is prefered because it allows for more of a "buffer zone". D, in this instance would be acceptable because the new person could suppose that you would be finished before the next person arrived and therefore that person could use stall B while you used D.

    This starts to sound like 8th grade alegbra, but the point I wanted to stress is that the stage of urination plays an important role in urinal selection.

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  6. Good points, everyone. I was actually afraid everyone would just groan when they saw this post and end up not reading it.

    Mr K: I think that might be acceptable in many parts of the country.

    Moise: I think you may have a point there, but that's more for the higher theorists in their porcelain towers, not really for the real world. I would like to point out that I think Immanuel Kant would disagree.

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  7. The following is a special case, though by no means a trite one. It's a situation I encounter from time to time in my workplace.

    Question:
    What is the proper behaviour when the set of available urinals is equal to n^0 (i.e.: n raise to the 0th power)? Visually this is represented as follows:

    A
    ?

    Answer:
    In this case, the number of empty stalls is irrelevant. The correct response is DO NOT USE USE URINAL "A"!!! It belongs to me by godly right!! I do not like to be discommoded.

    Defy me and suffer my unholy wrath!!

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  8. Here is yet another special case:

    Question:
    What is the correct protocol when the number of urinals equals 0?

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  9. N to the 0 power . . . isn't that always 1? It's been over five years since I've had a math class.
    As to your second point, I suppose you pick a toilet. They're more private, so you don't need to worry about priorities, buffer space, etc.

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  10. In the last case, the protocol is to get out quickly...

    You've wandered into the women's washroom!!!

    :)

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  11. Was it you or your bro that had the nifty flash game with the bathroom quiz? That was great.

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  12. I had that once. I didn't even try to look it up, but maybe I should.

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  13. Wow you are anal. Your mom wiped yer arse a few too many times. Get a life.

    Lawyers are freaks

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  14. Was that supposed to be a joke?

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  15. It's all about variables. A user's stance is important in your choice of whether or not to select an adjacent urinal. Certainly, stage is important, maybe more important. But experience shows that, once in a while, UserA has his right leg intruding in the vertical space of Urinal B, making it awkward for emergency User B to stand comfortably and forcing User B to move to his (or her) right, thereby intruding on the vertical space normally occupied by User C, who must now aim his stream to the left. This normally is not a problem at the start of Stage C (the relaxation and release stage). However, after about 70 percent of the time has elapsed, and just prior to moving on to Stage D (the final shake stage), there is a marked problem of distance management and containment. The few cases where this has not been a problem were those where User C possessed a Category 8 "schlong" and distance seemed not to matter. But even a Cat 8 schlong must take into account the low profile of Urinal C in a three urinal configuration. Stage 3 projections have much lower force at the final 30 percentile completion phases than at the initial 0-70 percent phases.

    Then there's the challenging variation of schlong girth... but that's another analysis.

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