Monday, February 13, 2006


On Saturday night Laura and I went to Pizza Hut. We had seen the commercials for the new "Cheesy Bites" pizza, and she wanted to try it. But, as I told her, "I see through their cheese-injection schemes." Turns out I was right. It wasn't that great. It was basically their stuffed-crust pizza with less "stuffed" and more "crust." Seriously, who wants to get their appetizers at the same time they get their main course? I once left a Pizza Hut waitress a tip of three cents ($0.03) because she brought out breadsticks less than two minutes before the pizza. (I like to leave nominal tips like that when I'm pissed about service; if you don't leave a tip at all there's a chance they could think you just forgot.) Sure, maybe it wasn't her fault, but I'm pretty sure they share tips with the cooks at places like that.

Well, since cheesy bites are just a poorly-done cover version of stuffed-crust pizza, I started to wonder what Pizza Hut will do next. They're running out of ways to serve cheese. So, in fulfillment of the prophecy, I will prophesy, and history will come to know me as the Nostradamus of cheese-injection. The question: what will Pizza Hut do next?

1. They will put cheese and toppings on the bottom of the pizza as well as the top, for a two-dimensional pizza experience.
2. The novelty having worn off, they will make three-dimensional pizza. This is something that our early-twenty-first-century minds cannot yet comprehend, but it will happen.
3. Having run out of places to put cheese on the pizza, they'll just slop it on you and directly on the table and seats.
4. Noting the popularity of "flavor shots" with many fountain drinks, they will give you a cheese flavor shot in your Pepsi.
5. Three words: rectal cheese injection. "Come on in and get the Good Stuff™. We fill up your colon and lower intestines with cheese." This is the first of their new ideas that will stick around for a long time (as has the stuffed-crust), largely because some of their regular clientele enjoy this kind of thing. Just wait until you feel that squishing around in your undergarments as it leaks out due to sphincter failure, or, as it will come to be known, "Pizza Hut Bowel Syndrome™."
6. At the dawn of the twenty-second century, they will immediately hook you up to a cheese IV when you walk in the door. Most Pizza Huts will clean the cheese needles before using them on someone else. (I just wanted to type "cheese needles.")
7. In an effort to attract more families with children, they will introduce a playland (a la McDonalds) which will include, among other attractions, a cheese pool for the kiddies to swim in.
8. Cheese Idols, Cheese Bishops, and the Cheese Pope. These prescient visions are too frightening to share in any more detail.
9. Finally, as the result of the Cheese Jihad (also known as Cheesageddon) there will be the Cheese Ragnarok (or Cheesapocalypse), the end of the world as we know it, which will be followed by a new heaven and a new earth, all filled with cheese. They will then inject cheese into the core of the new earth, leading to Cheesy Judgment Day.


  1. Damn full metal, i've been wanting to try the new cheesy bites pizza.
    Thanks for letting me know it's not all that,ooo it looks so damn
    good.I'm drooling like homer when
    the commercials come on.
    Stop by for a visit..if you read
    my comments lately i might need
    your services.

  2. I have no services . . . I picked the blog title because I assume I will still be posting after I get out of law school. And Full Metal Law Student doesn't have the same ring to it.

  3. I haven't tried the "cheese injected" pizza, but I believe you have skipped an intermediate step which has already taken the cheeseification of pizza one step closer to your proposed timeline.

    I don't know if they do it here, but Dominoes in Australia has a pizza such that there is a bottom crust, then a layer of cheese, then a top crust, and toppings and more cheese. While it is probably one of the most unhealthy non-Canadian foods I can comprehend without the use of mind-altering substances, it is most certainly cheese-o-licious.

    I just thought you'd like to know.

    P.S. I made a post on my blog about that comic incident rather than make a reply in your blog about it.

  4. Where will all the delicious 'cheese come from?

    I worked in a big Mexican restaurent in Arizona when i was young & was shocked to find real cheese was mixed together w/ some yellow cheese looking stuff. Grated like chedder & all. melted but had absolutely no taste.

    I'm sure they've come a long way in the making of fake cheese since then. :) funny post, BTW

  5. You know some 3rd World country will have to go down to satisfy our greed for cheese.

  6. I didn't find the cheesy-bites pizza all that offensive, but I wasn't sure how the hell one is supposed to eat the damned thing, seeing as if you rip the bites off you have no crust to hang onto when you eat the rest of the pizza and if you eat the rest of the pizza first, the bites rip off anyway. Forks are for the elderly.

    Personally, I think more foods should be filled with or made primarily from cheese. It's the food of the gods, you know.

  7. Actually I'm pretty sure the food of the gods is bacon. Why else would they forbid so many mere mortals from eating it?

  8. You don't remember the Triple Decker pizza?

  9. Yes, there was a triple-decker, but it didn't have toppings on the bottom, it had crust-cheese-crust-cheese.

  10. Cheese is one of my favourite foods, but for some reason I just don't like pizza. I had that stuffed-crust pizza exactly once - it was thoroughly vile.

    Now if they actually made Pizza in a Cup (from The Jerk), that I'd eat.

  11. The cheesy bites pizza does suck, and this is coming from a cook at pizza hut, I can also tell you that the servers, at least at the store I work at, do not share a penny of their tips with us