Monday, March 06, 2006

So you want to be a blogger?

There's a brand new shot up at FMPhoto.

"There are some 2.8 million blogs" according to this site. I know, I know. If you're like me, you thought, "No wonder I don't have anything to do on the Internet. There isn't enough content out there to read!" Maybe there are some among you who want to help rectify the situation, but you don't know what to do. Well, I've decided to give you some suggestions for blogs that you could start without having any expertise or special knowledge, or even half a brain! I'll start the series now with the first entry.

Dr. Spurious

The best idea for a blog I have is called "Dr. Spurious." Everyone has some kind of medical advice to give, and as far as I can tell it doesn't seem that any of them are getting sued for it. I don't know if there's anything illegal or tortious about it, but Dr. Spurious would be full of dubious medical advice. You could accept questions and give people advice. Here's an example of how I envision Dr. Spurious:
Q: What's all this hubbub about washing hands? It seems lately that every fast food restaurant that hires me (briefly) has a sign in the bathroom that says "Employees must wash hands." That's a bunch of crap! What makes them think they can run my life like that?


Filthy in Delaware

A: You're right, Filthy. The modern obsession with hand-washing stems from an ancient superstition that diseases are caused by "germs," tiny creatures not unlike elves or gnomes that somehow climb into your body and wreak havoc. They are commonly depicted in Greco-Roman mythology as very small and green, and are also said to have a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Yeah, right! The scientific evidence in favor of this view is questionable at best. I recommend not washing your hands because dirt forms what I like to call a "health shield" that keeps out illness vibes.
You might also want to make it a little more believable, but I do wish to dissuade you from writing prescriptions. Log in tomorrow for more suggestions.


  1. Dear Dr. Spurious,

    I'm a loyal reader of your column and take your advice to heart. Ever since you exposed the conspiracy to encourage handwashing, I've refused not only to wash my hands, but also the rest of my person. However, this has had an unintended side effect in that I've developed what can only be referred to as pus-filled blisters in my armpits and groin, some of which are beginning to turn black. Additionally, I've begun to lose extremities -- I am typing this with my nose, as I am down to three fingers and even those are hanging tenuously by a few tendrils of flesh.. Now, I know that the Black Plague is alive and well in many of our rodent species, but I did a preliminary search on WebMD and I don't meet all the symptoms. I would go to my primary care physician, but since I don't have health insurance -- and he can't possibly be as knowledgeable as you -- I see no alternative but to ask for your assistance. Please help! I'm running out of body parts!

  2. Dear Three-Finger Ted,

    The name "black plague" has always sounded offensive to me. I mean, come on, we're doctors. We shouldn't be racists, but rather egomaniacs. Name the disease after yourself, like Alzheimer's, Kleinfelter's, Rickett's and Scurvy. Regardless, you don't have the "black plague." It sounds to me like you have one of two problems:
    1. You have washed far too much in your life, thereby scrubbing away your body and weakening its natural structural integrity. In this case you have only one option: I know an excellent prosthetician, Dr. Hook. I would refer you to him.
    2. Do you still have your toes? If so, then it may not be from over-scrubbing, but rather from excessive contact with electromagnetic fields, which can slowly pull away your skin piece by piece. Keep your decaying limbs away from the computer for a while, and try to type with your toes. Do you live under high power wires? If not, you can strengthen your immunity to electromagnetic waves by exposing yourself to them in high doses while putting saline drops in your eyes and eating salty snacks. The extra sodium chloride--salt, to the lay person--will protect you from the temporary harmful effects of the electromagnetism.