Wednesday, November 09, 2005

New Tax System

[I had some qualms about posting this, qualms of the qualmiest sort, the kind that qualm about out of fear that I will come off as pretentious or dull. But, you guys seem to like the posts that I’m scared about posting, so here you go.]

Be it enacted, by the People of the United States of America:
(a) The Income Tax, as it applies to individuals, is hereby abolished.
(b) An Asshole Tax of fifty dollars per instance shall be imposed on any person who
(1) Vandalizes another person’s vehicle;
(2) Parks in handicapped spot without the proper permit;
(3) Uses the middle urinal in a public restroom;
(4) Abuses a dog; or
(5) Promotes the terrorist organization known as Cobra.
(c) An Idiot Tax of one dollar per instance shall be imposed on any person who
(1) Listens to “pop” or “rap” music at any volume which can be heard by neighbors or other drivers;
(2) Plays Dance Dance Revolution while drunk;
(3) Posts on an Internet message board for the sole purpose of having the “first post”;
(4) Rents or buys any movie, other than Pitch Black, in which Vin Diesel is the star; or
(5) Drives a Mini Cooper.
(d) A tax return may be had on up to half of the taxed dollars for any individual in the amount of two dollars per instance for any of the following acts:
(1) Adopting an animal from a pet shelter;
(2) Helping an elderly person in need;
(3) Holding a door open to allow others to pass;
(4) Buying a round of drinks for everyone; or
(5) Putting a link on his or her site which links to Full Metal Attorney.
(e) To supplement the National Treasury, the Secretary shall have the authority to put slot machines on any property owned by the Federal Government, and to establish any casinos that he deems necessary.
Amendments to this statute can be proposed in the comments section.


  1. first post!


    Nice one! (What's so wrong about it?) I get the feeling that its santized a bit...true?

  2. Well, if I didn't sanitize it a bit, then it would have gone on forever. I originally had the loud rap music tax in the asshole tax and the loud pop music tax was still in the idiot tax.

  3. I have to object to the inclusion of Drunk DDR as a taxable offence. Mostly because DDR is about a million times more fun after drinking (so long as you don't want to appear cool to the opposite sex...)

    There's this pub in Sydney that I go to every once in a while, and there's an arcade right next to it that is open until 5AM. Next to that is a Hungry Jack's (Aussie clone of Burger King), meaning that it's entirely possible to stay within the same three building block and get drunk, eat, play DDR, rinse, repeat, from 10AM (when the arcade opens - the pub is open 24/7, so theoretically you could start much earlier if you drank/ate before DDR) until 5AM.

    Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that drunk DDR is great.

  4. Drunk DDR is not great. You get really dehydrated. I don't recommend it at all.